Thursday, April 29, 2010

A Great Nothing

I know I said I wanted to be positive, but I need a place to rest my ongoing thoughts. I'm exhausted feeling all these things and trying to keep up pretenses. My emotions are thin.

The last week and a half have been a huge rollercoaster of emotion for me and I don't quite know what to do about it. I'm doing everything I know that I should and yet, I feel so down, frustrated and very alone. It's been a very long time since I've felt like this and I nearly forgot how overpowering these feelings can be. I seem to cry about everything and it's all such a big deal. I have much going on in my personal life that I feel the weight crushing the breath right out of my lungs. I feel like part of me is dying and I have no idea where it all came from.

I worry about so many things, this one being the most recent- I need a break. If I were to put my son in daycare even for a couple hours a day to get things done, I could feel some relief. But then there's the overwhelming guilt that floods in a few seconds after- I'm a terrible mother for wanting things like that. Why don't you want to teach your child how to read? How to talk? How to eat? The list goes on. I love my child, but I'm not being a good mother. I don't know how. I just don't. He's nearly two, and most of my day is devoted to sitting in front of the tv watching preschool programs b/c I can't get outside and my son won't leave me alone, so I'm forced to ignore him. We live too far away to walk to the park, I'm not supposed to work out at the gym, our apartment doesn't have a safe padio to play on, and I still don't have a car (very long, painful story).

I have some very close friends and family that are making huge transitions in their lives and becoming these wonderful people that I've always known they could be and I'm there for them. But I wonder where I am in all this. I've been so happy, things have been going so well. How did this happen? Why do I feel like this all the time? Did I really live my life growing up being so full of emotions like this? How did I ever figure out how to get over it?

I'm at a loss. The bottom line is, I feel trapped. I feel so alone. Endless tears at the most random times when things should be normal and mostly good in life. Why am I so sad?

It's times like these that I really miss living around people I grew up with. I feel very alone out here in the great of southern California. Odd, since there's so many people here. But I changed after I got married. I'm not the social light everyone remembers me as. I'm a much more somber person and I keep to myself. I need people I feel comfortable with, I yearn for more company and more friends. I have so few out here.


leslie the licorice stick lady said...

I feel for you Bekah,
I get lonely a lot! I have those moments where I frankly ignore my kids too, at least once a day and it makes me feel guilty. I don't want to go anywhere because I usually end up spending money without planning too. I have found that if I just focus on my kids, it helps us all be happier. Even if I don't like the thought of stopping the laundry to read a few books to them or help with homework, or even involve them in the work, it makes ALL the difference. There is less screaming, more cooperation, more love and more yearning to be together all around. I struggle with these things everyday. When I stop trying to live in my dream world and live in and with whom I have now, I can be happier. Like on Kung Fu Panda. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift...that is why it is called the present". Try hard to make the most of it, and you and your family will greatly benefit.

Rebekah said...

Thank-you, Les. That's one of my favorite quotes. It's interesting when you get the same adivce given back to you that you try to share with everyone you love who is hurting. It sounds very different when it's given TO you and not FROM you. <3

I did start to feel better about an hour after I posted. I needed to get it all out of my head.

Denise said...

You can make it. I have been wishing lately for no kids. Too bad there isn't a return policy. I agree with Leslie though. The more you get lost in your children the better life can be. There are so many things that can seem more important and the emotions that go with pregnancy sure don't help. Make sure to spend some time on just you or whatever you need to do to find some peace of mind. Another good thought would be what the Lord said. The person who looses her life in service will find it. Best of luck!!

Andrew and Lauren said...

Wow, I haven't been on the blogs in a while, so I missed your previous uploads. Great pictures!

As for this post, it sounds like we have a lot in common. I've struggled with depression during this pregnancy. I've had it always, but it was manageable before. There's something about pregnancy that just brings out the worst of your emotions.
All moms feel like they need a break, its what keeps them sane! Sometimes the best times I have with Bennett are after a short break.
I've often wondered why moms feel like they have to be mini teachers and make every moment stimulating and educational for their children. I know its a natural desire, but its an impossible one. I also think moms tend to get hung-up over milestones. For instance, Bennett finally took his first steps last week, but now he's back to walking on his knees, won't try or practice the real thing and its frustrating! I feel guilty that my son didn't walk at the year mark like everyone else's did. It felt like I failed him somehow, like it was my fault he wasn't walking. But I'm making too big a deal over it. I didn't walk til I was 18 mths and I don't think I suffered in later life. I've been taking his progress too personal and I know that I shouldn't. So don't worry, you're not the only one who thinks they've failed. But whenever I feel like a bad mom (we watch a lot of TV too...), seeing Bennett come up to me with a big smile and laughing, I know I succeeded somewhere. I can always give you a call when you need one, got free long distance now! ;)

Becca said...

Beka, I feel like you at times. I feel like I do have friends, but not close here. We should move close to each other than we'd have each other.

Elaine said...

It is really hard to stay home all day with a little child who can't talk to you and keep you company. It was a really hard transition for me to stay home all day with kids. It can be very isolating. Thank goodness for things like the internet and telephone to keep us all connected and remind us that we aren't in this alone--we all have each other. I hope things start looking up for you soon. Hugs!

Little Yancey Family said...

I was there with my second pregnancy too. I didn't feel good enough to do anything or go anywhere, and everything Jaden did irritated me so bad. Guilt haunted me, and I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about it, after all it's not like I was the first woman ever to be pregnant with a toddler in tow. I got my first taste of real depression in my life and it scared me badly. Rather than getting over it, it just kind of went away. I went on 30 min. walks everyday on doctor order (gestational diabetes) and that seemed to help though exhausting. Just know that it doesn't last forever. And toddlers are very forgiving.

Katie said...

Even though I dont have kids yet, I can understand how you're feeling. to a degree, anyways. Im sorry you're struggling so much, Bek. But you are a wonderful Mommy. Your son loves you so much. Dont be too hard on yourself. You're a wonderful mother and a great person. We all know it and love it about you. :)