I know I said I wanted to be positive, but I need a place to rest my ongoing thoughts. I'm exhausted feeling all these things and trying to keep up pretenses. My emotions are thin.
The last week and a half have been a huge rollercoaster of emotion for me and I don't quite know what to do about it. I'm doing everything I know that I should and yet, I feel so down, frustrated and very alone. It's been a very long time since I've felt like this and I nearly forgot how overpowering these feelings can be. I seem to cry about everything and it's all such a big deal. I have much going on in my personal life that I feel the weight crushing the breath right out of my lungs. I feel like part of me is dying and I have no idea where it all came from.
I worry about so many things, this one being the most recent- I need a break. If I were to put my son in daycare even for a couple hours a day to get things done, I could feel some relief. But then there's the overwhelming guilt that floods in a few seconds after- I'm a terrible mother for wanting things like that. Why don't you want to teach your child how to read? How to talk? How to eat? The list goes on. I love my child, but I'm not being a good mother. I don't know how. I just don't. He's nearly two, and most of my day is devoted to sitting in front of the tv watching preschool programs b/c I can't get outside and my son won't leave me alone, so I'm forced to ignore him. We live too far away to walk to the park, I'm not supposed to work out at the gym, our apartment doesn't have a safe padio to play on, and I still don't have a car (very long, painful story).
I have some very close friends and family that are making huge transitions in their lives and becoming these wonderful people that I've always known they could be and I'm there for them. But I wonder where I am in all this. I've been so happy, things have been going so well. How did this happen? Why do I feel like this all the time? Did I really live my life growing up being so full of emotions like this? How did I ever figure out how to get over it?
I'm at a loss. The bottom line is, I feel trapped. I feel so alone. Endless tears at the most random times when things should be normal and mostly good in life. Why am I so sad?
It's times like these that I really miss living around people I grew up with. I feel very alone out here in the great of southern California. Odd, since there's so many people here. But I changed after I got married. I'm not the social light everyone remembers me as. I'm a much more somber person and I keep to myself. I need people I feel comfortable with, I yearn for more company and more friends. I have so few out here.