Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Fresh and New

I got a chance to go over and see my girlfriend Kellie's brand new little girl. She is positively amazing. I wanted to hold her SO bad, but Jonathan got the sniffles yesterday and I'm just starting to get it myself, so there was NO WAY I was going to pass off those icky nasty germs to a *shiny* new baby that was kept in the NICU just for safety reasons.

I didn't stay too long. But what I can tell you is now more than ever, I want a new baby. Not because they're so wonderful, because we all know they are. No I want another one because it just feels right to have the desire to add to our family. This tender, sweet baby was a wonder to behold- her little mouth constantly suckling, eyes searching and studying, full of wiggles trying out her new-found freedom outside the womb. And her spirit. Her spirit was so incredibly strong. It was almost like I could feel her guardian angels encircling her.

And Kellie. Brave Kellie. Wonderful, tired, beautiful new mother. She kept asking for help with simple things, things I'd almost forgotten take so much time and energy when you're so fresh home with your first child. She asked me shortly after I got there how I ever left Jonathan in the hospital for so long, fresh tears glittering in her eyes. Speaking truthfully, I really don't know how I did it. I'm sure the Lord was holding my hand and walking me through it all. When my husband got home, I told him about what she had asked and it made me very emotional. I feel so much for her having to let other take care of her child, feeling helpless, not knowing what to do, being so tired needing a chance to heal.

Seeing someone else who is so close to me go through a similar situation is like looking through a pensive- memories, but not quite my own. Even so, I can't even imagine what it would be like to have my first brand new child whom I had waited 41 weeks to see being taken from me for her own precaution. Strong mother.

It's just such a huge relief for me to know my girlfriend is home safe with a healthy little girl. I love them so much.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Deep Thoughts Continued

Continuing on from my last post, I have some things I've been thinking about for awhile, but very heavily in the recent weeks and days.

I'm ready to have another baby. I was ready to have one shortly after Jonnie was born. I loved him so, SO much that I wanted to have lots and lots all at once. Then things got hard. Really, really hard.

I started to change my mind the older Jonathan got and the more things he learned and the more he changed and the more things he got into... I could go on, but we all know how children grow. I didn't know if I'd ever be ready to have another baby. I loved Jonathan so much I couldn't see how I could make room in my heart and life for another child. Jonathan was my light in the dark. Our worlds revolved around each other. How could anyone possibly love a child as much as I love Jonathan and make room for more children?

Funny how our thoughts change. I thought for some odd reason that making the decision to have the next child would be less complicated, require less contemplatives, be easier on us as husband and wife. WRONG!! How was I able to fool myself into such a delusion?? If people knew I was thinking that, I'm sure they'd whisper behind they hands to each other and point at me saying,"There's that crazy lady. She thinks life gets less complicated with each baby."

But I am ready again. I'm filled with the same thoughts of excitement at the possibility of adding to our family, creating another life, talking to my belly, getting to know the life within me, nesting. I think quite possibly I might even be more excited about the next child than the first- more because I was yearning so hard to a have child I was almost depressed, and what woman hasn't been there?

I just have some very pressing concerns- 1) I'm even more out of shape now than I was when I got pregnant with Jonnie. I'm unsure what to do about that. But I feel I shouldn't wait too long and my sisters and mother lost the weight from their first baby after they had their second. Maybe that could happen with me, too. 2) How on EARTH am I going to ween Jonathan when he is so very ,VERY attached to nursing? My favorite times during the day are when I get a chance to sit down and rock my son and talk to him while he eats. How can I make him give that up when I don't want to give that up myself? And 3) I know I really shouldn't worry about this because the church specifically says not to be selfish in this way, but how on earth are we going to be able to afford a second child until 2011 when Lars gets his pay raise for paying his dues for getting his credential and working at the same place for more than a year?

I suppose I should leave these things in the Lord's hands, but my mind has always been meticulous in thinking things out waaaaaay farther into the future than I probably aught to. I really do want another baby, though. **sigh** Why do we always love to complicate things, us women?

Goings-On and Deep Thoughts

Well, most of you follow me on Facebook, so you know that my life has been a roller coaster of sleepless nights and broken nerves. I've been teaching my baby to cry himself to sleep. You all know the circumstances of his surgery 3 weeks after his birth, which made it very easy to fall into the habit of soothing him to sleep in our bed. He was always sick and it was like a freezer in my mother-in-law's house since none of her doors or windows seal out the cold or heat properly and her central heating and cooling system broke shorty before we got married. It was just easier to keep him warm and safe in our bed.

My brother Jacob, the doctor, told me that when babies have turbulent beginnings, the parents tend to coddle them long after they're better and can handle things on their own. That made me so hopping mad. I thought, "How would he know?" But his oldest was diagnosed with the same problem at a year and he's the father of two boys- he knows a great deal more than I do about parenting. I was discouraged because I knew Jonathan was still too little to be left alone. He was terrified of the dark and I had so, SO much remorse for having to leave him in the hospital at night so I could get some semblance of sleep and let my milk let down so I could pump because when I heard him, my milk would lock up. Besides that, all those late nights in the ER caused me to get masitis (VERY painful) and I wasn't allowed to nurse him until 48 hours after his surgery. I had a lot of guilt.

As Jonathan got older and started to take up more space and become more mobile, it became apparent to me that he needed to learn to sleep in his own space, but that was diffecult seeing as he shared his room with his aunt. I didn't really have the option to let him cry to sleep for naps and nighttime. I was resigned to the fact that I was going to let him do it, even if that meant pure hell for the whole family. Then we found out we'd actually be able to move. I was willing to wait until we were settled for a couple weeks to try to let him cry to sleep. Moving and trying to teach something is too much for a baby to handle, too much for Mommy to handle!

I don't know what prompted me to do it, but Monday this week I put him in his crib to cry to sleep and didn't get up. Lars came home shortly after I did that and he heard our son wailing. Lars asked if he should go get him and I was very clear that Jonathan'd been in there awhile already and he needed to learn to sleep. It was that night that Jonathan threw up from crying so hard and Lars discovered Jonathan'd been rolling around in it in his sleep for around 8 hours. Poor kid.

That same morning after a bath and clean up, I felt so guilty and his room smelled so bad (even after nearly a bottle of Lysol and an open window), I put him to sleep next to me at 7 until around 10. Talk about mixed messages, Mom! When I woke up, I quickly realized my mistake and put him in his crib for nap time. That was even harder than the night before!!

I called my sister Rachael and even though I'm sure my minutes were up (we'll find out when we get the bill), I talked to her while Jonathan screamed and screamed until he finally plopped off to sleep. Then bath and nursing the same time as the night before for bed. I was going to let him cry then, but he was so tired he fell asleep before he was even done eating. It was nice and peaceful that night. Bed at 8, no screaming and time to be with my husband. No wake ups until 5 the next morning. (Why can't that happen every night??)

Jonathan does cry less and less with each time at night, but it's nap time that's the hardest. He needs dark curtains to block out the light because he thinks it's playtime and I'm sure he gets confused. I love my son and I can only imagine how hard it must be to learn to be alone after Mommy had ALWAYS held him and rocked him to sleep for his entire life so far. But I need my space so I can sleep. It's not fun to wake up to a twitching child sleeping horizontally 12 times a night kicking you in the bladder. I thought I was done with that AFTER he was born!

Which brings me to my deep thoughts. But this post is already grossly long, so I'll make another...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

This Day in History

On Friday October 13th, 2006, around 10:45 am (mountain standard time) Larry Sepulveda, Jr. and I were sealed together for time and all eternity in the Idaho Falls, Idaho Temple.

Walking out of the temple: The new Mr. and Mrs. Larry Sepulveda!

Thank-you for joining the church and being a worthy priesthood holder so we could be sealed together. I hope the rest of eternity will be as fun as these first few years with you by my side to walk the journey with. Happy third Anniversary, love. You are my bestest friend!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

New Digs

As you all know, Lars and I have moved into our new place and let me tell you- it's the hardest easiest, most wonderful, terrible thing ever.

Allow me to explain:

I thought having Lars go to work would be SO hard, but after a few days, we adjusted and I had help when I was desperate for a break during the day because of my wonderful sister-in-law and sometimes even my mother-in-law. Then we found out we could afford to move and to live on our own and believe me, I don't think anyone in the ENTIRE WORLD wanted to move more than I did. I won't complain about it because now that I'm not in the thick of living there anymore, I can truly appreciate how much of a sacrifice it was for all involved for us to live with my in-laws until we could afford to move.

After living here during the day with only the baby, I've started to discover why my girlfriend who used to live here would walk to the local strip mall all the time. With an active child and no play area in the complex and no cable, a person can go nuts trying to find things to do in a small 2nd story apartment.

I am incredibly grateful to live on our own, but I didn't really understand how tight things really can get, even though we were living on $400 a month for the first year and a half of our marriage (and living in California, that's no small feat). I have a greater appreciation for those women whom I love and am friends with for all the hard work they put into making a home for their families and all of the activities they provide for their children.

It's hard work being a stay-at-home-mom with no car in a big city. I have so many things I want to do and, if I'm honest, I'm desperate for some advice on how to make time for myself with a child in tow. I really need an outlet so my poor friends I have out here won't keep getting sick of me. So please, all of you mothers who know where I'm at in life, bestow upon me your wisdom on how you keep your sanity.

After all that, let me tell you I LOVE living here. I love being able to put things where I want to them and filling the fridge and organizing things the way I want to, and cooking the things I love the way I learned. Like I said to my friend who lives here, "Kellie, I feel so liberated! There's a well of delight and pride knowing that I can do things for myself and not have to worry about every little thing offending someone else. I really feel like a grown-up."