Continuing on from my last post, I have some things I've been thinking about for awhile, but very heavily in the recent weeks and days.
I'm ready to have another baby. I was ready to have one shortly after Jonnie was born. I loved him so, SO much that I wanted to have lots and lots all at once. Then things got hard. Really, really hard.
I started to change my mind the older Jonathan got and the more things he learned and the more he changed and the more things he got into... I could go on, but we all know how children grow. I didn't know if I'd ever be ready to have another baby. I loved Jonathan so much I couldn't see how I could make room in my heart and life for another child. Jonathan was my light in the dark. Our worlds revolved around each other. How could anyone possibly love a child as much as I love Jonathan and make room for more children?
Funny how our thoughts change. I thought for some odd reason that making the decision to have the next child would be less complicated, require less contemplatives, be easier on us as husband and wife. WRONG!! How was I able to fool myself into such a delusion?? If people knew I was thinking that, I'm sure they'd whisper behind they hands to each other and point at me saying,"There's that crazy lady. She thinks life gets less complicated with each baby."
But I am ready again. I'm filled with the same thoughts of excitement at the possibility of adding to our family, creating another life, talking to my belly, getting to know the life within me, nesting. I think quite possibly I might even be more excited about the next child than the first- more because I was yearning so hard to a have child I was almost depressed, and what woman hasn't been there?
I just have some very pressing concerns- 1) I'm even more out of shape now than I was when I got pregnant with Jonnie. I'm unsure what to do about that. But I feel I shouldn't wait too long and my sisters and mother lost the weight from their first baby after they had their second. Maybe that could happen with me, too. 2) How on EARTH am I going to ween Jonathan when he is so very ,VERY attached to nursing? My favorite times during the day are when I get a chance to sit down and rock my son and talk to him while he eats. How can I make him give that up when I don't want to give that up myself? And 3) I know I really shouldn't worry about this because the church specifically says not to be selfish in this way, but how on earth are we going to be able to afford a second child until 2011 when Lars gets his pay raise for paying his dues for getting his credential and working at the same place for more than a year?
I suppose I should leave these things in the Lord's hands, but my mind has always been meticulous in thinking things out waaaaaay farther into the future than I probably aught to. I really do want another baby, though. **sigh** Why do we always love to complicate things, us women?