Thursday, October 22, 2009

Deep Thoughts Continued

Continuing on from my last post, I have some things I've been thinking about for awhile, but very heavily in the recent weeks and days.

I'm ready to have another baby. I was ready to have one shortly after Jonnie was born. I loved him so, SO much that I wanted to have lots and lots all at once. Then things got hard. Really, really hard.

I started to change my mind the older Jonathan got and the more things he learned and the more he changed and the more things he got into... I could go on, but we all know how children grow. I didn't know if I'd ever be ready to have another baby. I loved Jonathan so much I couldn't see how I could make room in my heart and life for another child. Jonathan was my light in the dark. Our worlds revolved around each other. How could anyone possibly love a child as much as I love Jonathan and make room for more children?

Funny how our thoughts change. I thought for some odd reason that making the decision to have the next child would be less complicated, require less contemplatives, be easier on us as husband and wife. WRONG!! How was I able to fool myself into such a delusion?? If people knew I was thinking that, I'm sure they'd whisper behind they hands to each other and point at me saying,"There's that crazy lady. She thinks life gets less complicated with each baby."

But I am ready again. I'm filled with the same thoughts of excitement at the possibility of adding to our family, creating another life, talking to my belly, getting to know the life within me, nesting. I think quite possibly I might even be more excited about the next child than the first- more because I was yearning so hard to a have child I was almost depressed, and what woman hasn't been there?

I just have some very pressing concerns- 1) I'm even more out of shape now than I was when I got pregnant with Jonnie. I'm unsure what to do about that. But I feel I shouldn't wait too long and my sisters and mother lost the weight from their first baby after they had their second. Maybe that could happen with me, too. 2) How on EARTH am I going to ween Jonathan when he is so very ,VERY attached to nursing? My favorite times during the day are when I get a chance to sit down and rock my son and talk to him while he eats. How can I make him give that up when I don't want to give that up myself? And 3) I know I really shouldn't worry about this because the church specifically says not to be selfish in this way, but how on earth are we going to be able to afford a second child until 2011 when Lars gets his pay raise for paying his dues for getting his credential and working at the same place for more than a year?

I suppose I should leave these things in the Lord's hands, but my mind has always been meticulous in thinking things out waaaaaay farther into the future than I probably aught to. I really do want another baby, though. **sigh** Why do we always love to complicate things, us women?

7 comments:

Kellie said...

Wow, those ARE deep thoughts. Maybe I'll just get pregnant with the second before things get to that hard point?? ;) Joking. I don't have any answers for you, just encouragement. I know you're strong willed and you will be able to help Johnathan learn to fall asleep on his own, as well as other things he'll need to learn. That's probably one of the hardest parts of being a parent-teaching them things they need to learn even though it upsets them. Even when they're teenagers. I remember having problems during middle school and I would cry to my mom to not make me go. But she lovingly told me I needed to have faith and sent me on my way! I'm SO grateful now, even though it was painful then. Be strong, my friend! I love you! And I can't wait until you bring that next baby into the world!

Chiemi said...

I totally know what you are going through. I feel like we had the exact same thoughts. I loved my little Kyla SO much that I wasn't sure that I could love another child as much, but here I sit with two little girls I love more than anything and ready to have a son now too. The awesome thing about being a parent is that we are constantly growing too. It's so awesome. You can totally do this. *hugs*

Our Family said...

Wow! Deep thoughts. I don't have answers, but when it comes to weaning Jonnie of the boob, don't worry about! I wondered and wondered how I was going to do that with V. And truthfully, I didn't want to! I loved the time I got to spend with her while she nursed. But she stopped when she turned one. I thought, maybe I should start weaning her, but she just stopped. The last time I nursed her was on her birthday. She just wasn't interested in nursing any more. I wasn't ready to be done, but she was! So don't worry about it! It'll happen when he's ready. And I admire you sticking with him crying himself to sleep. V. didn't until she turned one. But I couldn't take being sleep deprived anymore! So for three nights I nursed her, then put her to bed. When she would wake up at night and cried, I would sit outside her door and cry as well. It broke my heart to hear her cry. But after three nights of that, she started sleeping thru the night! Well, pretty much. She's four now and climbs into bed with us sometimes during the night. But we love that! And she dosen't wake us up when she comes in.
So, anyway, this has been a novel of a comment. Just keep praying, and the Lord will help you and let you know what you need to know!

emiflute said...

I so remember having to make Nathan cry himself to sleep. Oh that was tough. I haven't done it with Zach yet- which I know I'm going to regret. Anyway, I know how hard that is.
And weaning- that one is hard too. Just drop one feeding at a time- replacing it with table food and/or cow's milk. Play with him and snuggle him just as you did when you breastfed him. You never ever have to wean him from snuggle time or play time. It doesn't seem like it, but those close times during breastfeeding aren't ever completely omitted in your life as a mom. They're just replaced with other close times felt while doing other things like tickle sessions or story time or playing peek a boo. Does that make sense? I hope this helps. I remember not wanting to stop breastfeeding either. I have those same feelings again now with my second. Just take your time and then just begin to wean ever so gradually. Never go faster than you or Johnny is ready for. Love ya sista! Take care and God bless.

emiflute said...

Sorry- only cow's milk after he's one... (thought I sahould clarify)

Andrew and Lauren said...

I know what you mean once again. Andrew and I were thinking of starting again, but realized we just can't afford to. So we're waiting a little longer. Its hard but I think the Lord understands. I've also struggled with jealousy at others. One of my friends (who had her son 2 wks after mine) is pregnant again. But I think I was jealous for the wrong reasons. It was more like, "She has another toy? I want one too!" kind of thing. And those are terrible reasons for wanting to get pregnant, as well as going with church-culture views. This is something only the Lord can direct. Best of luck with whatever happens, but I don't see anything wrong with having to wait til 2011 if need be either. Then again I come from an area where gaps are wider. I didn't think you could have a gap smaller than 18 mths! The west sure opened my eyes!

leslie the licorice stick lady said...

Bekah,
You're thoughts show that you are listening to the different possibilities the Lord is giving you. We sometime have to make a decision and then get approval from the Lord. Too many of us, including myself, fall prey to the thought that if we pray the right way will be shown to us without more effort on our part. If you feel it's the right decision you can always know the Lord will provide the way for it to work out. He sees everything that is happening and will happen in any direction we may choose, but I don't think he leaves us in the dust if our heart is in the right place.