Housework.. and Other Such Connecting Thoughts

I really love cleaning. I'd rather be cleaning than doing most other things. I see things that need to get done and I think about them constantly until they're finished... perfectly. I have a hard time letting other people help me clean because I have a certain way of how things are done, what order, how clean something should be. Organization... in the microscopic perspective.

Ever since my son was born, I've had to let go of some of those things. I don't get to sweep, mop, dust and vacuum as often as I like, I don't get to deep clean all the crevices and cupboards every Friday and Saturday like I used to. And I especially don't get to cook as often as I'd like because I spend that time nursing my handsome baby boy. Laundry is done randomly on odd days of the week and often folded several days later and put away later than that.

Sometimes, when Jonathan is sleeping, I just like to look at him. Housework takes a back seat when I see him. Obsessive cleaning and cooking disappear when he's is my sight. His presence is so powerful, so all-encompassing within this house, it's hard to think about anything else other than what he needs.

I'm getting better, though. Slowly. I have to learn how to balance being mommy and wife. My wonderful husband has taken a second place for a while, but I'm trying to bring him back into the spot light. He is such a wonderful father and he helps me keep my sanity with all he does around the house to help me.

Jonathan

I love the kid. I didn't think it was possible to love someone so powerfully. He is awesome. I asked my husband the other night, "Is it was ok to think that my son was the most extraordinary person I'd ever met." He said it was fine. Then I said, "Even if I think he's more amazing than my husband?" And he looked at me and said, "I would think so."

Being LDS, the first person who comes in your physical life is your husband. I was thinking that he might be disappointed in me and tell me my feeling were wrong because of such teachings. But really, I didn't get to see my husband grow and change through his life like I'm getting to with my son, so it makes sense.

Knowing that you have such a Godly power blows your mind after you've had your first child. Seeing all the little things that make up the person you're created, how many of those things are like you and/or your spouse, is just incredible. But then you see all the things that just pertains to them. Truly, there is no better feeling than watching my son grow and learn to master his little body. Like I said, I love the kid.

My Day

Today was pretty much like any other day. But today I got to spend around twelve hours alone with my son. He loves to be with his daddy at the end of the night right before he has his bath, but Larz was away studying for his chem final.

Jonnie wasn't happy about it. Because my mother-in-law was away at exercises, I couldn't hand him off to anyone, which made him very upset. He was overly tired and just couldn't seem to settle down without his daddy. It broke my heart.

I wonder how it's going to be when Larz goes to work all day and doesn't come home until late evening. I'm getting good practice being by myself, but my best friend in our ward who's also a stay-at-home mom just moved to Utah, so I don't have anyone to spend time with when I need some adult conversation.

For now, it's not bad at all because he's so little. But I wonder how I'll feel when he's a toddler. I really do love to spend my time beig a mommy, though. To use the expression my mom told me in college, "I should stop borrowing trouble" and worry about that when it comes.

Like, Forever!!

Soo, it's been like, a billiondy years since I was on here, but since everyone and their pet monkey seems to have a blog, I figured I should come back and pick this up again. Besides, I'm a little lazy to keep up my hand written journal and since I spend a fair amount of time on the computer, I figured I could kill two birds with one stone. I still can't figure out how to post photos, though, which is the main reason I haven't been back to use this little bloggy.

I'm a mommy now and have the best little boy ever! He's 10 weeks and I love him to pieces! Today he did something amazing. I was slouched down against the wall on my bed with my knees up so he could sit in my lap. He leaned forward to sit up ALL BY HIMSELF for nearly 10 seconds. I was so proud of him! He's my little Wonder Boy. =) It was a good day.

Boredom

Life is soooo slow right now. It feels like nothing ever moves or changes around me, nothing new, nothing exciting. I know that's going to change in 8 months or so, but it seems like there's nothing worth doing or going on for. Not as in death, but there's just a hum-drum in life and it takes a lot of pushing forward if you feel down because nothing is happening in your life.

Babies

I found out I was pregnant 6 days ago and, boy, was it was shock! Today I went to the doctor to confirm it and the blood test they did will tell us how many weeks we are. I still can't believe I'm going to be a mom.

You kind of go through life thinking there will be this big change in you, that when you become a parent you'll feel something different inside, maybe more grown up, mature if you will. But you're really just the same person you've always been. It's ackward knowing it and you wish that you were more mature, older mentally- more prepared. If there was something I could be to be more ready, I would do it. But I can't change who I am. I'm me. Just me.

Return to Space

After a long sabatical from a youth-long addiction of the sci-fi thriller Star Trek, I returned for a night of wonder and mystery.

I was fixing dinner tonight and the cable was fixed and the channel that the cable guy left the tv on just happen ed to be left on Star Trek Voyager. I suddenly had the insatiable craving to watch this show I normally avoid now. It caught my eye, a show mainly about the holographic doctor daydreaming.... Very good episode. I found myself swept up in it, laughing at things my husband would never understand, things that I'd been spoon-fed since infancy, private things that I shared with my family, my sister... my former step-father... things I can never get back- things that were special just between us- him and I.

It ended and then I found myself swept up in another episode. I was soon transported into the mind and emotions of Paris, the decent Balana-loving Paris (not the womanzing punk). Yet another very good episode. I found myself not want it all to end; the memories, the flood of feeling little again, being able to be an adult and actually completely understand everything that's said (even though I as always 12 going on 35, very perceptive), private jokes about the characters that flooded back into my mind, that amazing realization that the characters are just acters, but at the same time it was a nice escape from reality.