A Great Nothing

I know I said I wanted to be positive, but I need a place to rest my ongoing thoughts. I'm exhausted feeling all these things and trying to keep up pretenses. My emotions are thin.

The last week and a half have been a huge rollercoaster of emotion for me and I don't quite know what to do about it. I'm doing everything I know that I should and yet, I feel so down, frustrated and very alone. It's been a very long time since I've felt like this and I nearly forgot how overpowering these feelings can be. I seem to cry about everything and it's all such a big deal. I have much going on in my personal life that I feel the weight crushing the breath right out of my lungs. I feel like part of me is dying and I have no idea where it all came from.

I worry about so many things, this one being the most recent- I need a break. If I were to put my son in daycare even for a couple hours a day to get things done, I could feel some relief. But then there's the overwhelming guilt that floods in a few seconds after- I'm a terrible mother for wanting things like that. Why don't you want to teach your child how to read? How to talk? How to eat? The list goes on. I love my child, but I'm not being a good mother. I don't know how. I just don't. He's nearly two, and most of my day is devoted to sitting in front of the tv watching preschool programs b/c I can't get outside and my son won't leave me alone, so I'm forced to ignore him. We live too far away to walk to the park, I'm not supposed to work out at the gym, our apartment doesn't have a safe padio to play on, and I still don't have a car (very long, painful story).

I have some very close friends and family that are making huge transitions in their lives and becoming these wonderful people that I've always known they could be and I'm there for them. But I wonder where I am in all this. I've been so happy, things have been going so well. How did this happen? Why do I feel like this all the time? Did I really live my life growing up being so full of emotions like this? How did I ever figure out how to get over it?

I'm at a loss. The bottom line is, I feel trapped. I feel so alone. Endless tears at the most random times when things should be normal and mostly good in life. Why am I so sad?

It's times like these that I really miss living around people I grew up with. I feel very alone out here in the great of southern California. Odd, since there's so many people here. But I changed after I got married. I'm not the social light everyone remembers me as. I'm a much more somber person and I keep to myself. I need people I feel comfortable with, I yearn for more company and more friends. I have so few out here.

Pictures!

One of Jonathan's favorite games he likes to play is "Hat On, Hat Off". We wants SO bad to be able to put his hat on himself, but he hasn't quite figured it out yet, so we do it for him. The only thing is he HATES to have it on his head for longer than a few seconds unless we're playing this game. A couple weeks ago, I got some awesome shots. He was home sick along with Mommy and Daddy had gotten home and we kept tossing the camera back and forth as Jonathan ran around.

This one's my favorite. What a ham!

Happy for Daddy (because he wanted our bright red camera). Please excuse the runny nose. =P

Shy smile.

Ever since I introduced him to his belly button a couple months ago, it's his favorite body part.

All Done!

Bathroom Make-Over Sneak Peek

Here's photo of Jonathan with his Easter basket that didn't get uploaded from the last post. He got a package of farm animals to teethe. He sure loves them.

Here's my helper with the shower hanger. For 3 days he carried it around the apartment while we finished up.

Lars took a few pictures of me getting creative.

I wouldn't call myself an artist by any stretch of the imagination, but I sure love interior design and decorating. I wish I would've known this before I went to college and graduated!

We redecorated the bathroom and the nursery on the same night. Poor little guy. His entire living space was turned upside down. Nothing in the apartment was remotely livable. We set up his old playpen in the middle of the living room surrounded by odd pieces of furniture. He went down very late from pure exhaustion. Thankfully, Gramma took him all day for 9 hours. He has so much fun, he only took a nap for a half hour, (normally he sleeps between 2 1/2 hours)!

I was still working on the bathroom when my brother got into Downey. The pace was a dive and I had to finish before we all went insane with furniture in the wrong rooms, so I didn't get to make Easter dinner. But it was great to see change in our place and to have Dan over none the less.

Easter

Easter was awesome this year. My oldest brother Daniel came down over night to spend Sunday with us. Even though I didn't get to cook for him like I normally love to and vice versa, it was wonderful to experience such a wonderful conference with him.

I have a few pictures from the beginning of Spring Break/Conference weekend.

Thursday night, Jonathan went to sleep SUPER early- at 7 and I was sure that he'd wake up sometime around 9-11, but he never did. I put him down in his summer onesie and a full daytime diaper and was worried sick about him as i went to sleep. When Daddy went in to get him the next morning, he was soaking wet, freezing, and super smelly. Poor boy. Even though he wreaked, I had Lars strip him down, put him into a new diaper and put him in bed with me to warm him up since he was too upset for a bath at that time. Lars brought him his morning milk and we cuddled until he was warm and calm enough to take a bath. (For some reason, I can't get this photo to upload right, no matter how much I mess with it.)

Easter Sunday, he got a mini package of M&M's that came with his Easter basket. He's a big fan.


Right before my brother headed out the door to make good time back to Vegas, we took some photos. Forgive the sloppy p.j. look. I don't get dressed or dress my family during Conference unless it's demanded.

It's little blurry, since my son thinks he's "The Flash", but here are 'the boys'. I love them. =)

Can you tell we're related?