Friday, May 11, 2012

Rock the Boat

It's been a looooong time since I've posted. Let's face it, blogging just stopped being important since I started to write in a real journal awhile back. But I haven't and things are simply just busy and life is happening and time is sliding by without me noticing.

But tonight I'm full of emotions and just need some feedback, maybe to know that I'm a normal 20-something mom/woman and I haven't lost it.

I've been cleaning house like crazy the since yesterday and then my mother-in-law took both my son and daughter over night for a gift to me for Mother's Day. Needless to say, rather than turn in early to catch up on sleep since we're at a battle of wills with the baby concerning any type of sleep, I was buzzing from cleaning endorphins. Then when I finally lied sown for the night shortly after midnight, I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was the fact that the kids' doors were open and through the doors their curtains were open because I didn't close anything since they didn't go to their beds to sleep. I just kept thinking about how they were both away from me.

Now, to make things a little bit more clear, my husband and I started to watch reruns of The Wonder Years on our Netflix account and while I was overhauling the kitchen yesterday, I listened/watched to about 5 HOURS of the show. Today was much of the same thing, I overhauled the house, folded, sorted, ironed, and put away laundry to the voice of Daniel Stern's ever familiar voice portraying the adult Kevin Arnold. Now if you've ever watched this show as an adult, the things you thought were super funny as a kid, well they are still ever so funny, but the deeper meanings that are played upon actually make sense being well out of high school and college. Which brings me to what I've been thinking about.

Personal Pressure.

Many of my friends are pregnant again, most of them with their third children. And somehow, I feel like I'm missing out. I feel as though I should be on that baby wagon heading east, or west, or whatever. I feel like I NEED to be having another baby.

But I don't want one.

I had a scare last month when my period was 10 days late, which has NEVER happened since my period regulated after I got off birth control before I had my son nearly 4 years ago. My period happened ON TIME. And intimate moments just weren't happening due to the invasion of a daughter who woke up her brother when she came into our room, or vice versa. The fact I was late didn't add up. So I took 3 tests (like always~ two you could have a false positive, but 3 can knock either  false positive of negative out) and just as I had accepted the fact that I was going to be a mom of 3 (after days, hours, milliseconds of anger and hosility toward this possible unborn child) I checked and they were all negative.

I was happy, right? I mean, I'd been angry and up in arms about what to do with another child when I had SO much to do to be ready to accept and be ready for another child into my heart, arms, home, and family. But the fact was, was I was crushed. Devastated. I had already *just* decided and let the glimmer of excitement (and dreading the physically if carrying another baby without losing weight first) of another baby slip in under the radar undetected and the not-quite-real loss of it all hit me quite literally like a tether ball square in the chest.

The fact is, I'm not ready. I'm having many unexplained health problems that I need to get worked out (don't get me started), my kids are both going through their own power struggles as they learn and I try to teach them their independence (not to mention a million other things) and they're just about all I can handle. Strike that. They are ALL I can handle. So why is it that I feel so lost? Why do I feel like I'm being left behind? I don't want another child. And I feel a wall in my emotions about it. There simply is No room No time in my life now for another child.

But when I think about 3 weeks ago and the lost-that-never-was, I feel ever so sad and teary-eyed for something I'm not sure how to put into words and it's hard to quell the emotion that rises in my chest and the lump that forms in my throat because of it. I lost something. But I kept something as well. And with both, I'm clearly depressed and confused. Actually, I don't even remember what I was going to ask in the first place.

I guess it's just been so long and I've been so busy holding on so tightly to so many deep emotions that I just needed a place to unload. It's a hard uphill road doing it by yourself, keeping ahold of those heavyset emotions, and right now it's simply too much. I'm sad and tired and weighed down. So I'm leaving these things here. Please be kind if you choose to respond. I have so much I'm feeling and dealing with already and I'm likely to tip and spill if you rock the boat too much.


Mary P said...

This is why I started blogging in the first place. I discovered that writing helped me feel calm (during a time of troubling emotions). I called it "brain-puke". Sometimes, you just need to get it out on paper where you can look at it.

I think it's totally normal to feel how you do. There are instincts in us that drive us to parenthood, but we also have more mental instincts that help us figure out the proper timing. I also think it makes sense to be sad when you find out you're not pregnant. There's always that little bit of excitement that accompanies fear. It's hard to lose, even when you know it's for the better.

I don't know if any of that helped, but it's just a few thoughts.

I hope you feel better!

Kari Jo said...

I feel ya! I have friends who are preggers with their 3rd and 4th babies. I love babies. I love my two girls. I don't think I'm done having kids but I feel selfish that right now I don't want anymore kids because my schedule is "full." I don't know if that makes sense but reading your post makes me feel better because even though deep down I want to love another baby, I realize that I'm not ready. I feel "peer pressure" sometimes when I see friends and their families but make sure to take care of you before you add another person to take care of. Good luck.

Jenn Augarten said...

You are normal and everything you are going through is normal. I've been there and I'm sure everyone has. I am not a perfect example of this but I have has some food advice given to me: when you feel like you are missing out on something, fill that hole up with something good. Maybe right now isn't the time for a baby but it doesn't mean it wont be later. So find something to fill up that hole with that will make you happy and whole. your time will come and when it does it will be great and you will be a great mommy to that baby too.

Andrew and Lauren said...

I know what you mean, sometimes it almost feels like a race or competition that you don't want to be left out of. It sounds silly saying that but sometimes that's how it feels.

So cut yourself some slack, we all struggle through things...right now I'm really struggling with a different matter that makes you stop and think about what's really important in life and just what God has in store for us.

Dawnyel said...

Bekkah, I can relate, on SO many levels. You are very much normal, and it's okay.
If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me...just tell me to turn on the chat feature. ;)

Little Yancey Family said...

deciding when to have a baby is extremely personal. Don't let the outside influence you, that is between you and your husband and heavenly father. I wanted a baby long before I was ready for one, (they're so darn cute) but taking care of two wore me out and Bella needed soooo much attention for awhile there. When you are ready you will know.

Unknown said...

Dearest Beka, I am a grandma and sometimes I still feel the "baby-hungries" mysoelf and I do not even have the "parts" to do that any more.I think that you are smart to try or find out what to do with your own body to help yourself to have more understanding of how it works and how to help yourself. No matter what size your family is, it is still a "complete" family. This is because you fill it with love and you ask Heavenly Father to ve a part of it, and you and do that all of the time. I remember times when I thought that I was pregnant or i was just barely pregnant and I had bought patterns and fabric to make new maternity clothing and then the baby was lost or I started my period.Sometimes the grief hit right away and sometimes I went into a state of shock for a little while and then the real grief would start a couple of weeks later. You know why I miss those other children. I do not worry about it any more as I feel that they will make it to this world through some other mother, maybe my own children will have them. Just so they have the chance to get here, that is what is the most important,for them.You are a normal young woman and mother, Beka, and as we, as people who are sealed in the temple make promises.covenants to help bring children into this world, you and Larry have been very obedient and have given your children the opportunity to come into an L.D.S. home, where they are loved and cherished. I sed to feel that I had't ahd enogh children like my big sisters. My mother however, told me that if I had had more with my personal and health situation, that it may have been too much for me,so she told me not to do that to myself. I know that you respect Grandma Tew's opinion, so I thought that I would share that with you. I love you Beka, and I am proud of you for all that you do,your children are loved and so are you, try your best to not beat up on yourself over this. AS your friends have told you, your feelings are very normal. I love the children that I have been given the stewardship to watch over and I am grateful for each and every one of you.All my love, Mom

Whitney Hemsath said...

While you are an extraordinary person, take comfort in knowing these are just ordinary feelings. I'm in a similar, yet different spot. Part of me things maybe its time for a third, and the other part of me thinks I need to learn to cope and manage all that I do have in my life before adding more to it. Just when I feel proud of myself for being wise and seeking balance first, I start to wonder if my "wisdom" is really just a lack of faith. It is a struggle we all go through at some point. It is normal.

when i feel so overwhelmed (as I am sure you do), I don't know what to start on first. I don't know how to prioritize (take care of my health/weight? Clean the house? Spend time helping Jason learn instead of just watching TV? Taking on more students so we can earn more money and afford a third child someday) Sometimes, I just want someone else to be in charge, to tell me what to do. A new baby would do just that. It would supercede all the other obligations that pull at me that I can't seem to decide between and give me a single, justifiable, focus. I know that isn't a good reason to have a baby, I'm just saying that it is one of the many appeals of having one, even when your plate is already so full.

Anyway, you are loved, and this too shall pass. This all passes, and the key is to do your best, and leave God the rest. I will just close by saying what my father told him when we announced Jason's pregnancy. They asked if it was planned, and we said it sort of was, but happened quicker than we had thought. My father said, "well, what better sign of approval could you ask of God"? I took from those words that it happens when it is supposed to happen. Some people try for years without conceiving and some people conceive despite being on the pill. So try not to let the decision of if you should try for another or not add to your many stresses. Try not to let the disappoinment weigh you down too much. God is as much a decider in this process as you are, if not more so. :-) And with his all knowing power, He does all things for our good. I hope you find comfort in that.

And I hope you know how much I love you dear friend. XOXOXOXO

Whitney Hemsath said...

Sorry, I didn't edit that. It should read "what my father told us when we announced we were pregnant with Jason".