On Days Like This

I finally got a chance to go to set up a work out regimen at the YMCA on most of the machines there. I have to make another appointment to get set up on the rest. Stupid rain, flu and ants. And today, well let's just talk about today shall we?

It's raining again, which I didn't notice because of a screaming toddler. This morning he started wailing and I thought it was because he was hurting. After a lengthy prayer while rocking him to help soothe him and calm my nerves, he dropped off for nearly 3 hours, about 3 hours before his usual naptime. Instead of sleeping, I used the time to mess around on the computer since I so rarely get on for more than 5 minutes anymore. Stupid, but I'd been falling asleep nearly every time I sat down all morning and even though my head was buzzing, I thought that I should stay awake.

Then he woke up right as I caved and was going to sneak in a 20 minute nap. Not a problem, since it was my fault for not listening to my body in the first place. So I cheerfully went in to get him out of the crib and feed him his lunch. After he has a good long nap after a hard morning, afternoons are usually a piece of cake and he's a happy, giddy boy. He ate and was super good about eating almost everything I fed him, which I'm very pleased with, since we'd let him get into some nasty eating habits out of laziness and tiredness.

Then I spent about 10 minutes on the floor with him- all the time I can before my hips start to go out of place. I have back, hip and joint problems anyway, but pregnancy turns them to jello so I have to be uber careful how long I stay on the floor or in one position. He got upset and started to throw a tantrum, something he's gotten very good at when he can't have his way. But usually if I ignore his cries, he'll find something to do and entertain himself after about 10-12 minutes. Most of the time. But lately in this last month, he's really gotten spoiled and I have no idea why. No matter how much attention I give him or how long I have him on my lap or next to me on the couch, if I won't get on the floor with him, he refuses to stop wailing until I give in again. And this can go on for over two hours. Very draining.

And I also figured out why his clothes end up on the floor in his room. He's figured out how to pull open his dresser drawers and he loves clothes, so he drags them all out and dumps as many as he can get onto the floor. So today, after figuring this out, I folded them and put them away and had a row with Jonathan so he wouldn't keep opening the drawers. More wailing. I finally took him from the room when he immediately started to misbehave about something else, so I put him in his room for time out while I went to the restroom. When I came back in, he'd opened the bottom drawer, pulled out all his extra wipe and diaper packages along with his summer clothes he's waiting to grow into. I was NOT happy. I don't like to put him in the crib as punishment b/c I don't want him to associate bedtime and punishment as the same thing, but I was in a tight spot. I plunked him in the crib to sit for 10 minutes while I calmed down.

But it didn't stop there. As soon as I got him out again, he would NOT settle. He wanted to play on the floor and kept shoving things on my lap, which I hate. It's something that pushes my buttons, but I have no idea why. I just can't stand it when he's shoving hard toys in my face and hitting me for attention just to get on the floor. So I caved. I spent some time on the floor, again. And wouldn't you know, when I tried to stand up, my hip went out of place. I hobbled to the bathroom to sit on the lid of the toilet, which usually helps to set my hip back in place. Thankfully, it popped right back in, since I hadn't spent too long on the floor in one position.

My head was throbbing all morning and by this time around 2pm, everything was fuzzy. I was so tired that as soon as I sat in one of our upright chairs, I fell asleep. I was started by a loud clang, but still mostly asleep so I shifted and fell all the way under again. My body was shocked awake by the sound of quiet... I knew something was up. I got up quickly and looked for my son. He had figured out how to pull open the gate to the kitchen, and had pulled out my mixing bowl and a few snack packages out of the trash. That was it. I was done. Both cupboards that normally have locks on them in the kitchen were left unlatched by me earlier when I was cleaning and he had pulled them open. I was lucky he hadn't pulled out all the cleaning supplies under the sink he so desperately wants to get his hands on all the time. I was not only angry with him for being so naughty, but at myself for having been so irresponsible.

I picked him up and put him in his crib to wail, oh, about 45 minutes ago. And there he stays. I can't handle today anymore. And the worst part? The worst part is is that Larry won't be home until after 7 because his night classes started again yesterday, so I have no reprieve. Every mother has things to deal with and I'm tired of having to call the same women for help. They deal with their own stuff. I'm tired of feeling weak and caving and making those calls.

On days like this, I hate the idea of having another baby. On days like this I think, "What the hell was I thinking when I decided to have another child??" On days like this, I wonder why I was so stupid to think I could even have one child, let alone two. On days like this, I want to give up. On days like this I just really, really wish I had my mother. On days like this, I feel like there's nothing left to give. On days like this, well, on days like this I wish I could just get a hug and have someone to cry with and let it all out. Man, my head hurts...

**UPDATE** I let Jonathan scream for about 2 hours before he passed out. I didn't hear anything for about 15 minutes, so I opened his door cautiously. He was passed out on the far side of his crib sucking his two middle fingers on his left hand. It was precious. But he woke up about 10 minutes later and I got him out. Then ensued the same behavior. But Lars is home just a quarter to 8. I think it's time for some r and r.