A Great Nothing

I know I said I wanted to be positive, but I need a place to rest my ongoing thoughts. I'm exhausted feeling all these things and trying to keep up pretenses. My emotions are thin.

The last week and a half have been a huge rollercoaster of emotion for me and I don't quite know what to do about it. I'm doing everything I know that I should and yet, I feel so down, frustrated and very alone. It's been a very long time since I've felt like this and I nearly forgot how overpowering these feelings can be. I seem to cry about everything and it's all such a big deal. I have much going on in my personal life that I feel the weight crushing the breath right out of my lungs. I feel like part of me is dying and I have no idea where it all came from.

I worry about so many things, this one being the most recent- I need a break. If I were to put my son in daycare even for a couple hours a day to get things done, I could feel some relief. But then there's the overwhelming guilt that floods in a few seconds after- I'm a terrible mother for wanting things like that. Why don't you want to teach your child how to read? How to talk? How to eat? The list goes on. I love my child, but I'm not being a good mother. I don't know how. I just don't. He's nearly two, and most of my day is devoted to sitting in front of the tv watching preschool programs b/c I can't get outside and my son won't leave me alone, so I'm forced to ignore him. We live too far away to walk to the park, I'm not supposed to work out at the gym, our apartment doesn't have a safe padio to play on, and I still don't have a car (very long, painful story).

I have some very close friends and family that are making huge transitions in their lives and becoming these wonderful people that I've always known they could be and I'm there for them. But I wonder where I am in all this. I've been so happy, things have been going so well. How did this happen? Why do I feel like this all the time? Did I really live my life growing up being so full of emotions like this? How did I ever figure out how to get over it?

I'm at a loss. The bottom line is, I feel trapped. I feel so alone. Endless tears at the most random times when things should be normal and mostly good in life. Why am I so sad?

It's times like these that I really miss living around people I grew up with. I feel very alone out here in the great of southern California. Odd, since there's so many people here. But I changed after I got married. I'm not the social light everyone remembers me as. I'm a much more somber person and I keep to myself. I need people I feel comfortable with, I yearn for more company and more friends. I have so few out here.

Pictures!

One of Jonathan's favorite games he likes to play is "Hat On, Hat Off". We wants SO bad to be able to put his hat on himself, but he hasn't quite figured it out yet, so we do it for him. The only thing is he HATES to have it on his head for longer than a few seconds unless we're playing this game. A couple weeks ago, I got some awesome shots. He was home sick along with Mommy and Daddy had gotten home and we kept tossing the camera back and forth as Jonathan ran around.

This one's my favorite. What a ham!

Happy for Daddy (because he wanted our bright red camera). Please excuse the runny nose. =P

Shy smile.

Ever since I introduced him to his belly button a couple months ago, it's his favorite body part.

All Done!

Bathroom Make-Over Sneak Peek

Here's photo of Jonathan with his Easter basket that didn't get uploaded from the last post. He got a package of farm animals to teethe. He sure loves them.

Here's my helper with the shower hanger. For 3 days he carried it around the apartment while we finished up.

Lars took a few pictures of me getting creative.

I wouldn't call myself an artist by any stretch of the imagination, but I sure love interior design and decorating. I wish I would've known this before I went to college and graduated!

We redecorated the bathroom and the nursery on the same night. Poor little guy. His entire living space was turned upside down. Nothing in the apartment was remotely livable. We set up his old playpen in the middle of the living room surrounded by odd pieces of furniture. He went down very late from pure exhaustion. Thankfully, Gramma took him all day for 9 hours. He has so much fun, he only took a nap for a half hour, (normally he sleeps between 2 1/2 hours)!

I was still working on the bathroom when my brother got into Downey. The pace was a dive and I had to finish before we all went insane with furniture in the wrong rooms, so I didn't get to make Easter dinner. But it was great to see change in our place and to have Dan over none the less.

Easter

Easter was awesome this year. My oldest brother Daniel came down over night to spend Sunday with us. Even though I didn't get to cook for him like I normally love to and vice versa, it was wonderful to experience such a wonderful conference with him.

I have a few pictures from the beginning of Spring Break/Conference weekend.

Thursday night, Jonathan went to sleep SUPER early- at 7 and I was sure that he'd wake up sometime around 9-11, but he never did. I put him down in his summer onesie and a full daytime diaper and was worried sick about him as i went to sleep. When Daddy went in to get him the next morning, he was soaking wet, freezing, and super smelly. Poor boy. Even though he wreaked, I had Lars strip him down, put him into a new diaper and put him in bed with me to warm him up since he was too upset for a bath at that time. Lars brought him his morning milk and we cuddled until he was warm and calm enough to take a bath. (For some reason, I can't get this photo to upload right, no matter how much I mess with it.)

Easter Sunday, he got a mini package of M&M's that came with his Easter basket. He's a big fan.


Right before my brother headed out the door to make good time back to Vegas, we took some photos. Forgive the sloppy p.j. look. I don't get dressed or dress my family during Conference unless it's demanded.

It's little blurry, since my son thinks he's "The Flash", but here are 'the boys'. I love them. =)

Can you tell we're related?

Ever SO Much More than I Can Say...

This morning after talking briefly to a newly-found old friend, I had the opportunity to sit back, look at my son and really analyze him. He was tailor-maid by God just for me and my husband. I know it. He is THE perfect child- for us. I got offline and played with him before giving him a snack and putting him down to nap.

As I rocked him to sleep, I looked around his room now that it's been rearranged to make room for his new toddler bed. I like it better now and having the different perspective opened my mind to other areas of my life to be thankful for. I started to get down to the knitty-gritty things in life, all the things that people complain about and have so much trouble with (including myself). I have problems just like everyone else, but in the grand scheme of things, I really have nothing to complain about at all. I have very little bills and all my basic needs are covered. I have a husband who loves me dearly and supports my decision to stay at home and raise our family. I didn't have ot wait very long to have children after getting married, and so and and so forth. I thought through all this as I put my son down in his crib.

As is customary for me after baby goes down, I hop on the computer for a few minutes to catch up on all things bloggy and Facebooky. I found this poem on an old friend's blog. I've known her for years and have had the opportunity to watch her change and become such an amazing woman. I look up to her very much because I see so much of myself in her. She was one of my older sister's best friends all throughout high school and well into college, and even today. I'm blessed to still be a small part of her life, even though we live a thousand miles away.

Here is her post:

Lord, thank you for this sink of dirty dishes;

We have plenty of food to eat.

Thank you for this pile of dirty, stinky laundry;

We have plenty of nice clothes to wear.

And I would like to thank you, Lord, for those unmade beds;

They were so warm and comfortable last night.

I know that many have no bed.

My thanks to you, Lord, for this bathroom,

Complete with all the splattered mirrors, soggy, grimy towels and dirty lavatory;

They are so convenient.

Thank you for this finger-smudged refrigerator that needs defrosting so badly;

It has served us faithfully for many years.

It is full of cold drinks and enough leftovers for two or three meals.

Thank you, Lord, for this oven that absolutely must be cleaned today.

It has baked so many things over the years.

The whole family is grateful for that tall grass that needs mowing,

The lawn that needs raking;

We all enjoy the yard.

Thank you, Lord, even for that slamming screen door.

My kids are healthy and able to run and play.

Lord, the presence of all these chores awaiting me says

You have richly blessed my family.

I shall do them cheerfully and I shall do them gratefully.

May we all be thankful like the person who wrote this poem. Have wonderful weekend!

Communication Block?

So, for the last year or so I've been trying to figure out how to communicate better. I mean, we all can, but I've been actively trying to gage myself trying to figure out where I'm failing.

I had the opportunity to have lunch with my two best friends out here in my ward and as women, we love to talk. I'm a people watcher by nature mostly, so as I watched my girlfriends talk, I tried to quiet the loud part of who I am and jump in to every part of the conversation I felt I had something pertinent to add.

One of them is expecting her first and the other has an adorable baby girl. It's interesting being the one who's a step ahead in life, at least in the children's department. Not that I feel I know any more than they do! But I sure never thought I would be. It makes me feel old. But moving on...

As I watched the expectant mother talk about how things in her life have brought her to where she is now, I found that I have so very much more in common with her in so very many different aspects of my life, which is probably why we love to get together and talk so much. But my other girlfriend sat there listening and laughing at the appropriate times. She was so gracious, great at listening. I used to be that way for so long.

It's like I've let the advice mother inside of me take over the listener I was. It was an eye opener. I had so many things I could've said, so many similar situations that have happened to me or people in my family when they talk and we get together. I find that for myself if I feel like I'm connecting, I have to find a story within my life that is similar because I feel like I don't have anything to add and I'm a boring person if I just sit and listen. But oh! I found people like that when I was growing up INSUFFERABLE!! How did I become someone whom I used to be so annoyed by??

So after watching them, I sat back and processed all this in the midst of our conversation. How did I get so old? How did I become such a know-it-all? I'm a pretty blunt person and my husband is always telling me to watch how I direct my speech at others because I don't sugar-coat. He says that I can even be mean at times. I'm soooo not mean. Am I?

This is going to take awhile to sort out. I mean, I like me. At least, I think I like me? I do, don't I? After today, I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm over analyzing everything because I'm pregnant. But I can't be too sure. I just want to be a nice person that people aren't afraid to talk to or have fear I'm going to tromp all over the things they have to share with me. Oh perfect. Why am I crying?? Deep breaths. Calm down.

I think it's time to shelve this one and hit the sack.

20 weeks

That's right. Saturday marked week 20 in my pregnancy. And to celebrate, I bought a car! (Still no ability to upload pictures b/c of laptop problems.) No really. My husband and I got me a fabulous car. My girlfriend Kellie had sent me a link to one of her friends in a neighboring city who was selling her car, which wasn't exactly what we were looking for, but was in good shape, very little miles, and in our price range. So I emailed her and left her my number.

This woman left me an email saying that someone was coming to look at the car at 8am and she didn't know what time was too early to call. I was so angry and upset that I didn't tell her that anytime after 6am would be fine to call because of how early my son gets up and even more so because my husband and I felt very much that this was what we were supposed to do. We'd been feeling very apprehensive about getting a car from a dealer and spiritually that it was not what we were supposed to do.

The woman graciously emailed me back and let me know that her car had sold. Now I was super confused. Why would Lars and I both feel settled about something and not have it work out? Grousing to myself in my head, I pulled up Craigslist.com and started to scan through cars in the OC. I found one that looked right (a VW Jetta), similar the link I'd been sent by Kellie and made the call. Someone was already on their way to look at it. Brick wall.

I made another phone call. Sold. Brick wall.

I made another phone call, not enough information. Brick wall.

I found a great 2007 family Volvo for sale, made the call. As I calculated the insurance payment in my head on top of dropping every penny we had in our savings just for the car and not including money for car/repair/insurance, I quickly came to the conclusion that insuring and repairing a luxury car was so not going to happen. Brick wall.

I made a few other phone calls with more of the same thing. But now I was fueled by frustration and anger. I was on a mission. I knew I was supposed to buy a car this day. So I kept at it.

Then the woman I originally called about the first Jetta (because I'd found a few) told me that the person who was coming by had repeatedly kept calling and saying she was just around the corner, even though they lived in the same city. We were told we could come out and look at the car, since the car owner was tired of being jerked around. So we prayed, loaded up, and headed to Orange County.

When we got there, the car was gone. Actually, the person who had originally wanted to look at the car was behind us IN THE CAR. Now I was ticked. Holding my breath. They left, saying they wanted to think about it. WHAT?? Who does that?

We checked out the car ourselves and crossed our fingers. We paid for it and while Lars filled out the paperwork, the woman who was selling the car got out a kids drinkable yogurt and some Oreos to share with my son. She and her husband were so kind. I was just blown away that she would share something with us when she had two little girls of her own and was selling us her car.

Now after how nice this couple was, I'm really hoping there's nothing super wrong with this car. It'll go to the mechanic's this week sometime when Lars can take it because this momma is not putting herself or her child in that car until everything's put together. **Holding my breath**

And you'll be happy to know that for the first time EVER, I drove an entire 45 minutes on the freeway with my son in the backseat following my husband home. I've never driven on a California freeway for more than 15 minutes to get to work, so nearly and hour was a miracle. I'm not saying I'll be doing that anytime soon again, but now I know that I'm capable of it. Maybe I'll get a TomTom I won't be so freaked out about getting so hopelessly lost with no one to find me that I'll die of panic in the car....