On Days Like This

I finally got a chance to go to set up a work out regimen at the YMCA on most of the machines there. I have to make another appointment to get set up on the rest. Stupid rain, flu and ants. And today, well let's just talk about today shall we?

It's raining again, which I didn't notice because of a screaming toddler. This morning he started wailing and I thought it was because he was hurting. After a lengthy prayer while rocking him to help soothe him and calm my nerves, he dropped off for nearly 3 hours, about 3 hours before his usual naptime. Instead of sleeping, I used the time to mess around on the computer since I so rarely get on for more than 5 minutes anymore. Stupid, but I'd been falling asleep nearly every time I sat down all morning and even though my head was buzzing, I thought that I should stay awake.

Then he woke up right as I caved and was going to sneak in a 20 minute nap. Not a problem, since it was my fault for not listening to my body in the first place. So I cheerfully went in to get him out of the crib and feed him his lunch. After he has a good long nap after a hard morning, afternoons are usually a piece of cake and he's a happy, giddy boy. He ate and was super good about eating almost everything I fed him, which I'm very pleased with, since we'd let him get into some nasty eating habits out of laziness and tiredness.

Then I spent about 10 minutes on the floor with him- all the time I can before my hips start to go out of place. I have back, hip and joint problems anyway, but pregnancy turns them to jello so I have to be uber careful how long I stay on the floor or in one position. He got upset and started to throw a tantrum, something he's gotten very good at when he can't have his way. But usually if I ignore his cries, he'll find something to do and entertain himself after about 10-12 minutes. Most of the time. But lately in this last month, he's really gotten spoiled and I have no idea why. No matter how much attention I give him or how long I have him on my lap or next to me on the couch, if I won't get on the floor with him, he refuses to stop wailing until I give in again. And this can go on for over two hours. Very draining.

And I also figured out why his clothes end up on the floor in his room. He's figured out how to pull open his dresser drawers and he loves clothes, so he drags them all out and dumps as many as he can get onto the floor. So today, after figuring this out, I folded them and put them away and had a row with Jonathan so he wouldn't keep opening the drawers. More wailing. I finally took him from the room when he immediately started to misbehave about something else, so I put him in his room for time out while I went to the restroom. When I came back in, he'd opened the bottom drawer, pulled out all his extra wipe and diaper packages along with his summer clothes he's waiting to grow into. I was NOT happy. I don't like to put him in the crib as punishment b/c I don't want him to associate bedtime and punishment as the same thing, but I was in a tight spot. I plunked him in the crib to sit for 10 minutes while I calmed down.

But it didn't stop there. As soon as I got him out again, he would NOT settle. He wanted to play on the floor and kept shoving things on my lap, which I hate. It's something that pushes my buttons, but I have no idea why. I just can't stand it when he's shoving hard toys in my face and hitting me for attention just to get on the floor. So I caved. I spent some time on the floor, again. And wouldn't you know, when I tried to stand up, my hip went out of place. I hobbled to the bathroom to sit on the lid of the toilet, which usually helps to set my hip back in place. Thankfully, it popped right back in, since I hadn't spent too long on the floor in one position.

My head was throbbing all morning and by this time around 2pm, everything was fuzzy. I was so tired that as soon as I sat in one of our upright chairs, I fell asleep. I was started by a loud clang, but still mostly asleep so I shifted and fell all the way under again. My body was shocked awake by the sound of quiet... I knew something was up. I got up quickly and looked for my son. He had figured out how to pull open the gate to the kitchen, and had pulled out my mixing bowl and a few snack packages out of the trash. That was it. I was done. Both cupboards that normally have locks on them in the kitchen were left unlatched by me earlier when I was cleaning and he had pulled them open. I was lucky he hadn't pulled out all the cleaning supplies under the sink he so desperately wants to get his hands on all the time. I was not only angry with him for being so naughty, but at myself for having been so irresponsible.

I picked him up and put him in his crib to wail, oh, about 45 minutes ago. And there he stays. I can't handle today anymore. And the worst part? The worst part is is that Larry won't be home until after 7 because his night classes started again yesterday, so I have no reprieve. Every mother has things to deal with and I'm tired of having to call the same women for help. They deal with their own stuff. I'm tired of feeling weak and caving and making those calls.

On days like this, I hate the idea of having another baby. On days like this I think, "What the hell was I thinking when I decided to have another child??" On days like this, I wonder why I was so stupid to think I could even have one child, let alone two. On days like this, I want to give up. On days like this I just really, really wish I had my mother. On days like this, I feel like there's nothing left to give. On days like this, well, on days like this I wish I could just get a hug and have someone to cry with and let it all out. Man, my head hurts...

**UPDATE** I let Jonathan scream for about 2 hours before he passed out. I didn't hear anything for about 15 minutes, so I opened his door cautiously. He was passed out on the far side of his crib sucking his two middle fingers on his left hand. It was precious. But he woke up about 10 minutes later and I got him out. Then ensued the same behavior. But Lars is home just a quarter to 8. I think it's time for some r and r.

Aaaaaaaannnndddd....

After what seems like an eternity of waiting, I FINALLY got my results today. I AM pregnant!

I won't complain or rehash all the nasty little details of how long it took or what I had to go through to find out. I'll just be thankful and SUPER excited and very relieved to know that we are having a little one coming and I'm smart enough to know what my body has been telling me!

I'm SO THANKFUL!! I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I am!! I basically just said the same thing twice, but I don't care. I'm just so relieved, SO RELIEVED that nothing was going on causing the same symptoms. Nightmare over for now...

Babies

My girlfriend Kellie was always so positive when she found something that was ailing her while she awaited the arrival of her daughter. In her blog, she would always post things to uplift her and those around her. I admire her for that.

I'm probably one of the most whiny, miserable pregnant women ever, and I'm sure my girlfriend Mary would chuckle and secretly agree with you, since she's the one who listens to me the most. **giggle** I get those little moments of "Here's something to help you be grateful for your pregnancy" moments, but I'm usually so sick and miserable, I don't take that time to really absorb it. As I type this, I'm listening to "The Forgotten Carols". The song Sarah sings "Mary Let Me Hold Her Baby" has always been one I loved very much.

Sarah's Song

Mary let me hold her baby

her newborn son.

Though I'd never be a mother

I felt like one.

Mary let me hold her baby

so she could rest,

and ever since that night I held him,

my life's been blessed.

Bridge:

Those like me who can't have children

still can be mothers.

Chorus:

Something in his eyes convinced me

I could serve so many others.

Mary let me hold her baby

so soft and warm.

Mary let me hold her baby

and I was reborn.

Interlude

Chorus:

Something in his eyes convinced me

I could serve so many others.

Mary let me hold her baby,

so soft and warm.

Mary let me hold her baby

and I was reborn.

The verse that opens the song is the one that always touches me the most: "Though I'd never be a mother, I felt like one."

There are so many women out there who would give anything to have a child. This is my second. How blessed am I with fertility? I don't have to go through weeks, months, years trying to discover why I can't conceive. I don't have to remortgage my house or refinance my vehicles to afford fertility treatments.

When these thoughts enter my mind, I realize how selfish I am. This song has a way of reminding me that regardless of how sick I am or how emotional I get, I need to be thankful for all of it. More than that, this song is special to me because it speaks of Mary and her sweet newborn son. I felt so close to Mary last year with the pending arrival of my own son's birth so close to Christmas time. On the calendar in my room, there was painting of Mary holding her new son, Jesus. I often reflected on how she felt and how tender a spirit Jesus would have been. Babies come with such a spiritual strength because they're so fresh from heaven. My own son had such an overwhelmingly strong spirit, I wept many times just holding and looking at him. I can only imagine how powerful the newborn Christ child's spirit would have been, even just being within proximity of him.

I know things will start to get me down as pregnancy sickness takes over, but today, right now, I feel the spirit and know that my heart is in the right place being grateful for the most precious gifts anyone can ever hope to receive: my children and my husband, for without him, I would not have them.

Seriously???

Today was wild. I was supposed to hang out with my girlfriend Kellie today, but she was in her cleaning groove and was still doing so when I returned her call this afternoon. I laughed and joked about it with her, but when I hung up, I was so depressed. I was really looking forward to escaping the dungeon which was my apartment.

I was on Facebook later talking to a very dear friend of mine who I grew up with telling her about my pregnancy. I felt she could really get me since she has 3 children and her first two are more than likely the same age distance as mine will be. But as I talked to her, I just started to feel worse. That never happens when I talk to her. So I got off the net and had a quick thought pop into my head.

I called my girlfriend and visiting teacher Mary. When she answered the phone, I nearly lost it. I was at my rope's end. I asked her if she could come over to help me. She said "Of course. I have the missionaries over but I'll be over in 15 minutes."

I felt bad for calling her in the middle of having the elders over, but right after I hung up, I started to feel SO much better. I had a little burst of energy to bathe my son and get him ready for bed, which I rarely do without my husband.

In the time waiting for her, Lars came home for a few minutes to unload his baggage, pick up the computer and leave. Right as he was leaving, Mary called saying she was waiting at the gate. I was trying to find my shoes, but by the time I was able to find some that wouldn't leak rain water into them, someone had let her in and she met me at the bottom of my balcony stairs.

And we divided and conquered. She did my dishes. Can I just tell you how amazing it was to have someone do all those piles of dishes that were making me so sick I could barely walk into my kitchen? I was able to sort through the trash and toys on the front room floor and get it all picked up and vacuumed. She even helped me rearrange the tree and furniture. It was beyond crowded and the tree was sucking the light out of the room. Needless to say, it wasn't helping a very moody mother feel better about her position of staying inside all day because it's been raining. While she did the dishes, I was also able to scrub my tub and bathroom counter top and clear off my bar area to put up a nativity my step mom bought me last year.

Mary came over around 7 and didn't leave until after 10. Before she left, she actually thanked me for feeling comfortable enough to let her come over and help. Who does that?? Seriously?

I love Mary. I'm so grateful she came over. You're awesome! Can I just say I love you? Well, I love you.

The Big One

Today is the one year anniversary of my son's life-saving surgery. At 10 in the morning he went in to be prepped and came out a couple hours sooner, shortly around 2pm. I dropped off in the waiting room as I'd been up for about 48 hours, sick with worry and a kidney and mastitis infection. I was beat. But when I heard my name called. I instantly woke up, walked my broken self over to the doctor who saved my son's life and he told me everything went very smoothly and I could go back to Jonathan's room and get some lunch and a nap. Wise words. I ran back up to the room and dropped off the minute I sat down. When I woke up, my son was back in that horrible hospital crib sleeping soundly.

To celebrate, I gave Jonathan his first ever major haircut. He's been trimmed around his ears and face, but his soft baby hair on top of his head had never before been cut.

Before Photo

I had a lot of help from Lars in strapping down the munchkin. I did his basic bath, but then decided his hair could NOT wait for his grandparents to see his long, adorable curls. He was getting a mullet and he was having a hard time hearing because it was so long over his ears. Out of control!

After Second Bath

I have a few pictures of his beautiful curls, but I couldn't find them to do a before and after shot.

Personally, I think I rocked his hair. I know of no other mother who would give a real haircut to their child this young. Everyone else just buzzes it all off. Not this mom. My child has a head of hair and I'm NOT about to chop it all off.

Five days short of his 13 month birthday, he gets real haircut. I'm sad to have to chop off the fine, soft ends of his baby hair, but I didn't really think too hard about it while in the process. It's like I'm ready to help him grow because I can feel the impending arrival of the next baby... most of the time.

There are those times that I'm just devastated how fast he's growing. Tonight I rocked him to sleep. I held him long after he'd dropped off. And then I cried.

How on earth do you figure out the balance between making room for the next baby and holding onto your firstborn's infancy? I suppose it just happens and you move with it, or go insane...

Jonathan's **FIRST** Visit with Santa!!

Tonight at our ward Christmas party, Santa showed up! I was so happy, since last year Jonathan was too sick and had only been home from surgery for a few days. That and the party got cancelled due to the release of the entire Primary presidency (which consequently happened AGAIN last Sunday).

The food was amazing. It was the first real meal I've been able to eat in about a week. Funeral potatoes, bacon-soaked green beans, cinnamon glazed ham, seamed baby carrots Oh! It was good. Let's just say I looked more than my share of pregnant after I was done eating and I'm only around 7-9 weeks pregnant. =P

Here we are, all piled on Gary Langham, uh, I mean Santa Claus' lap. I had a picture taken with only Jonathan and I at first because Larry was helping clean up in the cultural hall. Gary wouldn't let me up off his lap until I told him what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "I want a nice, easy pregnancy." He chuckled and said, "Honey, I'm only Santa Claus. I can only do so much!" Silly Santa. But I was able to find Lars and we got a a family shot. Lars told Santa he wanted a new computer for Christmas. Yeah, right. Not with a new baby on the way.
Then Santa came through the cultural hall doors after the benediction. Our ward young women came in after him. So cute! Santa's reindeer. =)

Marley (the girl on the right) put her antlers on Jonathan. I was lucky to get a clear shot with how much he was moving. He was trying to figure out where the jingling was coming from. Hee, hee!

This was his little stocking for visiting Santa. Needless to say, his younger sibling ate it....

It was such a good night full of wonderful food and great entertainment. The Primary kids did their Nativity program. I had a shared solo singing with the children. They were so cute, I had a hard time choking back tears before the last number with my solo in it.

I can hardly wait until I can go home and do the Nativity with my own family on Christmas Eve like we did every year growing up!

**Update on Jonathan**

Jonathan turned one entire year old on the tenth last month. I haven't posted anything about it because we've had LOTS of computer problems. **UGH** moving on....

Kellie took us to this great little place to do our Christmas photos, which coincided perfectly with Jonathan's one year, since we all know I do baby photos every 3-4 months. He is SO big!

All his skills he's learned in the last 3 months since living in our new apartment are crazy. I'll try to list them all in order: walking a couple days after we moved in in Sept. but he got uneasy so he kept cruising on furniture until Halloween when he took off across Gma's bedroom, he opens our doors and we ended up having to be doorknob covers months before I ever thought he'd be able to do that, he started to take PediaSure and water from a cup instead of wanting Mama for every second of everyday, he can clap his own hands together, he learned how to crawl up a small flight of stairs- the chapel stairs at our church, his first word other than "Mama" or "Dada" is "Nooooooo" when he touches the computer and he purses his lips **I used to do that to enforce what I meant. Oops**, when he needs a change he'll bring me a diaper from his bin without prompting, he's running, and now he cuddles with me in the morning after he wakes up and gives hugs most of the time. He's due for his 12 months shots on his 13 month birthday so he's behind, but there was a mix-up with a flier we got from his pediatrician. Long story short, he'll get his shots right before we go to Idaho, so he should be good. **sigh of relief**